More on the Fast Train of Being and Doing

A conversation with Meredith:

This is all in addition to my full time position as a mental health therapist, with a caseload of mostly zero to eight. (That includes a lot of parents!) This work just keeps taking me on the most amazing journey. I never really feel like I know exactly what I am doing, but rather that I am just being, in presence, in the most open-hearted manner I am able to open, coupled with with deep listening. I am filled with gratitude - thankfulness on so many levels.
I sure do hear you on the abundance of gratitude-thankfulness. For me, I tend to start in a place of being and then I get seduced by the flurry of possibilities, visions, and pathways for action that come my way. I jump on a train with the intention to 'bring something to life'. I go along for a few stops... and then realize... wait, what happened, where did my being go? How'd I get swept away into this flurry of doing? The first clues that usually get through to my awareness are when I notice I'm feeling anxious around all that I want to accomplish. That's when I know it's time to step off, breathe, feel the life, love and beauty around me, and listen to what is emerging NOW. The doing that needs attention always arrives in the right timing... I don't have to arrive before it does. I just have to be here, centered and alert, listening to what is emerging. I love watching myself fall on and off this train... seeing my growth unfolding!!


The Trembling Knowing of Unknown

. . . .

Perched up high in the Blue Ridge mountains,
holding space and being,
witnessing as living love mourns passing life, grieving death's finality,
I had a night of wailing.

It moved me so intensely... so powerfully forcing through my system. I had never truly experienced wailing until that moment. And in that moment, I recognized it as an ancient thread in my lineage... wailing women... open vessels through which passes such pure and raw intensity, traveling the currents of emotion, yet not belonging to the messenger. I did not experience this to be mine personally but I personally was enveloped in the experiencing... and watching it... and moments of doubt, wondering if I was loosing my mind, going crazy, and knowing I was and I wasn't. Desiring confirmation. Appreciating its absence.

. . . .

The Puget Sound meets the coast, and perched upon a rock, tangled in a tree's roots, walking the earth, feeling the waves, watching reflections of water and shadow I enter into another's story that rubs close to my heart.

In my understanding of what I read and experienced, I felt my feeling-being touch that place of wailing. I did not have to feel it so intensely tremble through me, but I recognized that the chord which had been struck connected to that harmony. I sat with it. Breathing. Listening. Holding a heart of compassion. Accepting, trusting and also wondering what might be mine.

. . . .


The Fire of Love's Embrace

the edge between
that which is essential and alive
and that which is now dead

t h e
s p a c e s
b e t w e e n

where we carry in our hearts
fire of love

that which we carry and that which must be buried

Surrendering to the passing of time
Surrendering to Eternity

returning to unity

(original blessing, June 28, 2006)


Love, Trust and Passion for Being Alive

A contribution that I recently made: My speaking into the Circle:

There is a current of existence that runs beneath the surface of my experience of the relative world. This current is profoundly alive, a pulsing essence of love and trust. My mind, hanging out on the relative surface, often does not understand or has troubles making sense of the ways things are showing up in the world. My mind… connected to my heart… connected to this always ever-present current of love and trust (faith) gets confused and twisted and scrambles at times in efforts to experience the full, fresh, alive essence of love and trust here on earth, here with all my relations. That part of me that is always connected to this current of knowing is very wise… she/it provides me with the ability to breathe with ease, to smile, to laugh, to play, to dance, to look deeply into another's eyes, to celebrate as fully as possible this divine opportunity I have been granted to be alive… today… right now… in this body I am inhabiting… connecting in the world… sharing love.

There are other parts of me that grasp at the current that is always present. They don't feel the love, they don't feel the trust… and they want to because they know it's there. The mind says, "There is love present, there is trust present"… and yet the body says, "But I can't feel it… I feel pain, I feel mistrust, I feel fear, I feel rejection, I feel contraction." These parts of me share the same heart and so they have hints of knowing what it is like to live an embodied experience that permeates with a sense of love and trust. They yearn to bring forth that experience in the world around them. This is an essential part of my way of being in this world… I am alive for sharing love with the world.

And yet, love is such a big and Powerful word. Its energy is huge. There are so many threads of meaning woven together to fit inside the shape of that small four letter word. Often when I am struck by the immensity and power of something, I become curious, seeking to look more closely at the parts that make the whole. This inspires me to deepen my relationship with whatever I am curious about, inviting greater intimacy. And so with the word love, I often ask such questions of myself (and others when they are open to such a conversation):

* What is love to you?
* How do you experience love?
* How do you express love?
* How do you receive love?
* How do you recognize love?
* What does love feel like?

An answer that I've been living with for myself lately (it's actually a part of a song about my purpose that I sing to myself!): "For me… Love is honesty… Love is to Be… Love is to free you and me." I don't feel like explaining what that means to me right now, but if you have questions feel free to ask.

Peggy asks: What is calling me now?

A passion to share love with the world. A passion to be in Relationship, allowing the always present current of love and trust to be present even when we are working through the challenges of finding ways to manifest that love and trust. I feel deeply called to be with collectives that are learning how to show up authentically as individuals and how to show up authentically as a collective. I feel called to be present with and give voice to the interpersonal space, the relational space. I feel called to celebrate with others the Gracious Beauty of Life, exploring ways to help grace, beauty, respect, love, gratitude, celebration, etc emerge as abundantly as does fear, hatred, war, disrespect, and all those other words. I feel called to smile and laugh and play, diving deep into the juice and splashing around joy!!!


My Style of Embracing Shadow and Light

(Photo by Dee Johnson)
The shadow points to where the sun is... following the shadow's shape and direction on the earth is a guide to finding the source of light. On a cloudy day when the shadows are hidden and hazed over, it's harder to locate exactly where the sun shines. And on crisp clear days when we are fortunate to play with our eyes open, recognizing the beauty of what-is, we can notice the spectrum of light reflecting and shadow casting decorating existence.

And so it is in our internal landscape. My style of embracing what-is includes noticing signs (shapes) within me that point to 'shadow' and embracing them too as I know that following their guidance will lead me to the brighter light. At this moment's reflection, I recognize 2 ways in which I get tuned into the presence of my shadow. The main one is whenever I feel a strong charge around some interaction/engagement -- If I feel triggered, if I feel a real sense of being subject to some deep emotion, a sense of indignation, a feeling of emotional arousal, or something that creeps over me and seems to absorb me. When I notice that I am so strongly in my own experience, absorbed by my own perceptions, charged by this presence, then I know that there is something here for me to 'investigate.' In a state of being absorbed, the light dims. The moment of recognizing the dimmed light grants me an opportunity to expand my vision, open to allowing in more air, more room to move, more perspective, more than just little old me attached to my ways of being and doing and afraid to step out into an unknown.

When I recognize this dimming or subjective addiction or attachment and then follow it's pointing to what is beneath it, usually something gogeous and fresh emerges. The darkness has pointed me towards the light. And I feel such a sense of awe, love and apprecaition for the opportunity to discover this hidden place in my being waiting to receive my attention

Cathy (with slight remixing)
when I listen to that voice that calls me from very deep within, I give it an audience, then I have a greater strength and calm and serenity.
The second way that shadow reveals herself to me is through my noticing of patterns in the ways I interact with others. The moment I notice a repetition of types of interactions or ways people are responding or reacting to me, that moment is like seeing the tree's shadow on the grass and looking up to find the sun that's just peeked out from behind the clouds. If there is something in this pattern that does not seem to be serving the greatest good (each of us in our fullest light) then I speculate there is a play of shadow woven in our interaction... and I set out to investigate. This process of light (insight) discovery is often much slower. Usually there are many moments of noticing the pattern before a deeper awareness surfaces.

I strongly believe that our shadows exist because at some point in our lives we needed them. We developed habits in order to survive, in order to effectively exist in the world that was around us... and as we evolve and mature we are less and less in need of those protective layers, we've discovered new ways of being and surviving. For this reason, I feel such an affection for my own and other people's shadows, they represent such a precious time in our lives and are in some ways like a favorite blankey.... all they ask from us is for love and acceptance, to be listened to and heard. And we do them a disservice if we continue to give them power as it is no longer 'real' power only patterns of habit. And so we with loving eyes weave the threads of essence into our new wings. . .

By learning to onglingly stand in my shadow and feel it directly, I sense the possibility for holding others before me more as real beings and less as projections of my own unseen being.

I view my shadow as a function of my Being, and a living component of it, full of essence and information I need if I am to trust myself in relating [to myself and] others in a way that is free.

(from a conversation at the wings forum)


Being, Becoming, and Holy Longing

From an email exchange with Karen Sella:

Karen writes:
Also, a pebble to toss into the pond of "how" our being/becoming… I often think that we are all manifesting deeper "how" already, but that we don't quite know it yet—we're living into it…
It's just as in infancy... the infant is deepening into the experience of being alive. The child is deeply embedded in the pre-personal, it is not yet able to know itself, only able to be itself.
Like the atmospheric conditions that occur in other planes long before the rain falls, there is a shift occurring of which we may not be fully aware, that perhaps we intuit and sense from time to time. We feel it in our bones, but the sky still looks sunny and blue.

Sometimes this intuiting and sensing translates into a deep yearning—a wanting and a seeking—that simultaneously inspires "how" unfolding and also gets in its way.
It is when we grasp at the intuiting and sensing, hold it clutchingly in our hands, try and keep it still so that we may study it and know it and squeeze its wisdom into our knowledge that we get in it way. Another way of becoming intimate with the the intuiting and sensing is recognizing it as a holy longing... bringing us closer to home... inviting us into a oneness of spirit... tickling us awake... big beaming eyes of love staring at us from the edges of the crib, inviting us into this blessed experience of being alive right now!
However (how…ever…), as folks in this region know all too well, we all get wet sooner or later, so perhaps we don't have to try so hard to "become the change" that already is—but rather, we simply have to show up and be present—attend with the fullness of being—body/heart/mind/soul/spirit—integrated being…which is sometimes not so simple, yes…and yet, inevitable…
m m m m m m m m m

a a a a a h h h h h h h h h h


Being and Presence Arising

The power of inquiry... A new friend, Kevin, asks me this question:
You have a lot of interest in Being / Presence.. I am wondering where this arises from you - through you - in your life?
At that first world cafe table we were at together (with Jair and Joel) you all were talking about Almaas. Upon occasion, when people read my writing and hear me speak they ask if I have read Almaas as my language seems to resonate with his. I have not, though my partner is well read in Almaas and so I learn language through him... This is much my means of relating in the world, expanding awareness and learning new language and perspective through the process of relating with others... other including nature, the environment, myself....and connecting that which arises in the process of relating with that which naturally arises within my experience (not sure if that makes any sense). There is a deep longing within me, an insatiable hunger to taste the fullness of flavor in every experience. I am highly sensitive to my environments, picking up on subtle nuances and present sensations. I am practicing deepening this awareness within my own body, feeling more fully into the subtle pulls and calls that guide from within...learning, deepening my trust.

My interest in Being/Presence is my life. I move through my moment(s) guided by this longing to invite forth and be present with Presence/Being. Little sign posts that decorate my desk at times:

Glow Now

Please Be

Where does this arise from me, through me, in my life? There is a stillness within my dynamic moving and engaging in the world. There is a resonance that I associate with that stillness. It is filled with Essence, it is a moment when there is Life bursting through at every seem... it contains a knowing that requires no effort in being the knowing. it is an isness. That place is my wholeness navigator. It is the feedback loop that signals for me alignment. My intention is to invite it into every aspect of my life. This has been my purpose and way of being in the world long before I had any awareness of what I was 'doing'. My life has consequently been filled with vibrant colors and abundant love and a sense of frequently finding myself in a place of 'differentness' and confusion regarding the ways of other human beings. As I've gotten older and been able to be present more consciously with this way of being within myself, I have been fortunate to have more resonant souls upon my path. A most entertaining aspect of my development is recognizing how much of my 'way of being' that I take for granted. I have carried so many assumptions in my life that people are consciously choosing to not tell the truth, to not be present and connected in a conversation, to not admit their fears and uncertainties. It is an awe-full journey to discover that these are not such conscious choices for everyone...

mmmm....thank you so much for inviting me to explore this territory in words. It's always expanding for me to deepen into awareness of my process, helping to guide me in the journey of staying on the path more consistantly than I currently do.

Of course, I would love to hear what arises for you in this reading.

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